how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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