Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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