Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
