this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
