Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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