i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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