you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
