dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm too high and old for this...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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