His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
