the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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