Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
