Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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