my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
