i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
