i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
