If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
