Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
