I'm drive I can fine osifer
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
