Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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