I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
