I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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