I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
