You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
