I accidentally had phone sex last night
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
