I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
