I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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