i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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