Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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