My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
