I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
