If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
