the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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