Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
