If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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