I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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