From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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