Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
