flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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