My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
