We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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