Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
