So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
