If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
