Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
