I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
