i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
