I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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