Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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