Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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