in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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