He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
